A MESSY Valentines Day

AHHH VALENTINES DAY!  The day of love, extra kisses, chocolate, flowers, candlelight, romance.....  right? right???

I LOVE my husband, Chris!  I am beyond blessed that God set me up with a man who seeks HIM and strives to be our spiritual leader! 

AND don't get me wrong, I love flowers, I love chocolate, and I love sweet notes from my Groom.  L-O-V-E.   I try hard not to, but sometimes I can use the "L" word so flippantly, with things that do not deserve that word.  

In our society we say we "love" a lot of things.  Unfortunately, in the English language, we do not have "LOVE" broken down into categories.  And if I really really really really LIKE something, well, I then might as well say that I love it, right?.  But most of those "loves" come and go because they are specifically to "please" our desires.  The ranking of LOVE for chocolate (where the extent of love depends on my mood), does not touch my love for Chris!!!  

SOOO, V.A.L.E.N.T.I.N.E.S  D.A.Y.  

On a day that has built up sooo much excess hype, I found myself pushing against the grain.  I didn't want flowers, chocolate, a gift, or to go out to a fancy dinner.  Something about the thought of that rubbed me the wrong way.  And I finally figured out why. 

The love I have for my husband (or my kids) is so much more than that, so much deeper.  We have been through struggles and pain, seen each other at our "worst," and when we feel unlovable.  

I've heard the phrase "marriage is bliss."  I am pretty sure whoever wrote that was a liar or never married.  Although marriage has "blissful" days, it also has it's share of, well, mess.

Biblical marital love is MESSY. It is messy because God USES my spouse to chip away at MY own ugliness!  And when I take an honest look inward, I don't like everything I see.  Just like a vine that has to be pruned of the "dead" branches, the dead parts in my life need to be stripped away.   And any kind of pruning is painful and messy.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." -Hebrews 12:1

LOVE IS more than a feeling, choosing to show love when I feel like it; 

it's more than flowers that whither or chocolate that fades. 

LOVE IS a commitment that perseveres through the mundane days, the trials and pain, the sickness, the struggles of life.  Real love doesn't pretend that the other is flawless, it SEES the flaws, but CHOOSES to fully love.  

This VALENTINES DAY God gave me the "gift" of a celebration of that love- a MESSY love!  One that reveals my flaws, my yucky thoughts, and the mess of marriage.  

But like always, I had a CHOICE this Valentines Day.... do I embrace the mess and let God change ME to be more like Christ? Or do I stay in my hurt and frustration, only to become angry and bitter?  
This Valentines Day I got stuck in the mud, not knowing how to pull myself out.  I couldn't let go, I was fighting to be heard (well, more like a turtle in a shell pouting since I DO NOT like conflict, which I am learning is part of the blessing of growing in marriage).  But I am so thankful God did not let us stay there!

  

Our Valentines Day changed after I let go of my selfishness, pain and wanting to be heard and God opened my heart to "hear" my husband.  To hear past his words and actions, deep into his pain.  I chose to let go and minister to Chris' needs and left my needs at the foot of the cross.  And as always, God took care of my pain so I could minister to my husband with ALL of my heart!  I got the blessing of praying over Chris and my goal changed.  

When I give GOD my "junk," He changes my perspective from my spouse meeting my needs into to ME meeting my spouses needs.  

Every day I have that choice... a choice to show Jesus' love to my Groom.  And while I could not do this on my own, with the help of the Holy Spirit and the Word of GOD, I can let Jesus pour out HIS love through me! And what a blessing to get to be a part of something so amazing!  

So LOVE LOVE LOVE!  

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 (1 Corinthians 13:4-7; 13 NIV)

So for love I will celebrate!  I celebrate the only perfect and unfailing love of my Savior Jesus!  I am thankful that even though it may hurt, He never wants to leave me where I am!  He loves me enough to grow me.  I am constantly learning how to embrace these growing pains!

I celebrate my precious blessing and Groom, Chris. I choose you always and forever!  Thank you for loving me through the mess!  Thank you for your forgiveness when I mess up!  Thank you for choosing to say I'm sorry and own up to your mess too!  You have no idea how much that truly means to me!!  You are my love!!  God continues to write our love story!  Thank you for who you are!!  I love and respect you so much!

We did not take a picture on Valentines Day, so this is a pic taken the Day before! 

11 DAYS LEFT!!!

I can't believe it is almost here!  The time to hold our precious baby Hannah Kate!  11 DAYS until my due date!  I thought that with all of the difficulties I have had with eating over the last 2 months that she would come early.  Selfishly I wanted her to, but I have been praying that whatever is best for her to happen.  Thankfully God looks past my weakness and gives me the strength for the day- even if that means that the day has to end early by going to bed at 6:30 ;)

I was in the hospital again last Monday after a rough night and morning of throwing up and dehydration.  I thought that I would be able to eat, that MAYBE my stomach had recovered.  So after some strawberries, blueberries, dry cheerios, and pretzels my stomach let me know that it is still struggling.  My Dr. told me to go in to the hospital for fluids, and when I went I was having contractions 2-4 minutes apart.  BUT I was only 1 cm dilated, so the contractions were from dehydration and went away after the fluids.

With not much longer to go I am strictly sticking to what I know I can hold down- the BRAT Diet, plus lean meat (a small chicken breast or a small filet) and a small amount of peanut butter (1TBSP).  Unfortunately, my routine equals about 900 calories, so, being 9 months preggo, it leaves me with almost no energy.

I am so thankful for my awesome family that is so supportive and helpful!  My kids- who are precious encouragers and help out with chores and are learning to do more things on their own.  And my totally ROCKIN' hubby, who is not complaining about me not cooking a lot over the last few weeks and has taken the role of getting dinners together, spent yesterday deep cleaning the house, and drew me a nice hot bubble bath last night to help my back and help me relax.  I mean, how blessed is this girl!  I do have to say that i soooooo cannot wait to have energy to pour back out onto my family!  For now, I am thankful that God is sustaining us through!

We cannot wait to hold our sweet baby girl!  

"Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from Him." ~ Psalm 127:3

"Every good and perfect gift is from above" ~ James 1:17

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." ~ Psalm 139:13-16

4 WEEKS LEFT! Grace needed!

Only 4 weeks left until baby Hannah Kate comes!  To be completely honest, the last four weeks have been so challenging, emotional, and hard.  Four weeks ago I got whatever stomach bug Kiley had and lost 7 pounds in two days.  I couldn't keep liquid or anything down and my Doctor told me to go to the hospital.  I went and they hooked me up to all the monitors and I was having contractions from dehydration.  They gave me a couple of bags of fluid before I had to go to the bathroom.  A few bags of fluid later the contractions had stopped, I was able to hold down a little fluid and crackers and we headed home.  

The doctor had told me to try the B.R.A.T. Diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast) for a few days to help my stomach.  I did and then tried eating other food.  Every time I ate something else, I threw up or had diarrhea.  So I reverted back to the B.R.A.T. Diet (I have been able to add peanut butter and chicken breast).  Fast forward FOUR WEEKS..... I am STILL on it.  I have tried to come off a few times, and each time I get sick.  Needless to say I am very ready to eat something else!  I also can't eat a lot of food (even if it is just the BRAT), so I have had zero energy and have been irritable and very emotional.  I have lost more weight..... I am in my last trimester so I am supposed to be gaining the most right now.  The doctor told me that the baby is getting what she needs and is growing, even if I am losing.  He said that this is not a symbiotic relationship, but a parasite.  

This pregnancy has definitely been a test.  The whole pregnancy has been pretty hard and physically and emotionally draining.  It has been a season where I have been praying if there was something God was trying to teach me.  After lots of prayer, reading, and emotions, God has revealed something that He has taught me through this time.  

There are somethings that I "know" in my head, but have not fully sank into my heart.  One of these is the feeling that I need to be perfect to be loved, especially by my hubby.  I completely know that Chris loves me and I am so blessed that God brought us together.  But somehow I have let lies creep in, that in order for him to be happy with me I needed to be the "perfect" housewife.... like there is such a thing.  I began to put unrealistic expectations on myself and it was draining me.  Through this pregnancy, God has put me on my back, not able to "DO" a whole lot, but only able to BE.  And through this process I have found more freedom in knowing that I am loved not for what I do, but for who I am.  I don't have to look perfect, have a clean house, cook great meals, etc etc to be loved.  I can fail, make mistakes, be super emotional and even irritable..... and the world is not going to FALL apart, my marriage is not going to fall apart.  There is so much beauty in forgiveness, so much freedom in knowing that even if I blow it, there is opportunity for growth, love, and grace! 

I love this picture- the kids and Chris put handprints on my belly!  I had in my head that this was going to be a sweet time together.  This was the only picture we got.  Unfortunately I did not get the picture that i wanted- one with all of my family with me.  It did not end to well, with tears from a few, attitudes, and a rough few hours after. When I look at this picture it reminds me of what love is.  Even though Christ's love IS perfect, our love is not.  We make mistakes, say harsh words, get attitudes, make faces; we can be unloving or disrespectful; and when all of us "mess up" back to back, it can make for a painful and hard minute, hour, or day.  BUT, love perseveres through, always finding a way to protect, be humble, give grace, and forgive.  Yes, we mess up, but it is what we do in the rebound.  And that is what makes love never fail.  GOD equips us with what we need, and for that, I am so thankful!  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my family and am beyond blessed by my husband and kids.  I can't wait to welcome Hannah Kate into this world, our family!  

A few pictures from EASTER- HE HAS RISEN!!!  

 Family at the Church Easter egg hunt in Berkeley Lake, GA.  I grew up with this as a tradition and have many memories here!  

 

An Easter Basket from NA, since they know that the Easter Bunny is just for fun and not "real".  Kiley was super excited about the megapack of stickers!!!

 AND our newest tradition.... Resurrection Rolls.  Super easy with a great hands on, visible message.

Major Update- 9 weeks left!

It's hard to believe we have less than 9 weeks left until baby Hannah Kate is born!  The last 31 weeks have flown by... even though some days went by super slow!
What a blessing for our family!  We talked about trying to get pregnant when I returned from Africa.  We got pregnant the week after I got back!  God is amazing!

15 WEEKS pregnant

The first trimester was rough with being super sick and exhausted and back pain.  It was difficult Homeschooling.  When we sat the kids down to tell them the exciting news they were so precious and shared in our excitement!  We told them that the baby was the size of a jelly bean and that the baby would continue to grow.  Curtis looked at my belly in awe and then with a concerned look  he said, "but what if the baby falls out and we can't find it because it is so small.  Or what if I step on it?"  He was really worried.  We explained to him about how God gave women a womb so the baby would be protected.  It was so sweet.

The week before Christmas I ended up in the ER.  I called my doctor after two weeks of waking up every morning with a headache and every day it turning into a migraine.  He called me in some medicine and told me that if it was not better after two days that he wanted me to go to the ER.  So a few days later, that is where I ended up.  After an MRI on my head they found swelling in my brain and told me I needed to go see a neurologist ASAP and might possibly need a spinal tap to check for MS.  I got in the next day to see the neurologist and he put me on medication that was supposed to bring the swelling down.  AND thank YOU, Jesus,  after two weeks it worked!

Chris and I decided we wanted to take a family Vacation before the baby arrived.  We know that one more child will change the dynamics and wanted to enjoy Curtis and Kiley together and make some fun memories!  What an amazing husband I have to plan this for our family!!!  Jan. 5th we left for our family Vacation- a Royal Caribbean Cruise!  We had such an amazing time as a family!

We got to see lots of Pixar characters and learn some Kung Foo from THE Panda and dress up for  Pirate Night with Puss in boots

Had a wonderful January 7th as we got to celebrate Kiley's 4th Birthday 

Had a blast playing in the sand

Ice skating was Curtis' favorite (along with putt putt) and we all loved holding the little turtles!

WHAT FUN WE HAD!!!!

Since then our calendar has been full- Homeschool, Chris teaching Sunday school and me teaching in GoKids, Chris' ski trip with our Church men's group, a work trip,

A field trip to Nashville

Speaking at Breakout sessions at our Women's Rejuvenation conference

My topic: "Weird" because normal isn't working!  How God has called us to be different from the world!  

All of the Speakers for the conference... great topics to cover!

Na came down to support me at the conference... 29 weeks preggo!

Speaking at the TNT Girls night about finding our identity in Christ, not in the world.... and Kiley got to come and we all painted our fingernails! 

A trip to Chattanooga to see family.....

Not to mention all of the projects around the house as I am in major "nesting" mode!  But that is for a later post!

And there went the 31 weeks!  My head is spinning!  No wonder the last few months have flown by!  Each day I have to spend with my precious family is just, well, precious!  God continues to amaze me with HIS love!  I am amazed at how much Chris and I and our family have grown together and I pray that God will continue to shape us into who HE wants us to be!  

CHRISTmas

Making sense of this confusing but very important Holiday!
What comes to your mind when you think of Christmas?  What do you remember about Christmas growing up?  What traditions did your family have?  What traditions would you keep?  Is there anything you would change?  Just a few of the questions that have covered my mind over the last couple of months preparing for Christmas.

As a Christian, Christ is what I want to focus on.  I am forever thankful that God gave up His place on His throne to come to earth as a little baby.  Fully God, yet fully a little, needy baby. W-O-W!  How amazing!  If He would not have come, He would not have died, and I would not have life everlasting through Him.
But how do we focus on Jesus during this season?  How do we make sense of all of the other things that our culture has muddled into this Holiday?

Santa

Presents

Elves (not to mention the elf on a shelf)

Black Friday

Stockings

Cookies and candies

Snowmen

Reindeer

Decorations

and the list goes on.

As a follower of Christ and as a parent, my goal is to focus on Jesus and show and talk about Him and his love.  My desire is to raise children who love God with all of themselves and love their neighbor.  I want to raise givers, not takers.  I remember my mindset as a child during Christmas.  Yes, I KNEW it was Jesus' Birthday, but if I was honest, it was more of an afterthought.  After Santa, after the presents and stockings and Christmas tree and cookies.  Why is Christmas so confusing?  Why can it be so hard when it SHOULD be so easy?

It is very interesting to look at all of the history surrounding Christmas!  It has really helped me make sense of so much during this season.  AND there is still sooo much for me to learn!

Christmas is a couple of Holidays in one.

   St. Nicholas' Day (traditionally celebrated on Dec 6; remembering St.Nicholas, a monk who loved   

                             Jesus and children)

   Winter Solstice

   Christ Mass

No wonder it is so confusing.  I have been struggling with not wanting to be a prude or no fun, but feeling God's gentle hand guiding our family to take another look at how we celebrate Christmas.

Some Traditions we are doing this year.

1. Thank you notes and treats hand delivered to special people in our life and some of our awesome

    Staff and volunteers at Church who have impacted our lives 

2. Learning about the History of St. Nicholas, the Christmas tree, stockings, and other Christmas  

    symbols

3. We are enjoying a Christmas Unit study where we spend 4 weeks learning about the details of Jesus' 

    birth and the Christmas story

4. Elf on a Shelf- Starting this year off with a note from the elf, talking about Jesus, His grace and love, 

    and using the elf to deliver fun messages each day with ideas about how to love on others.  They do
    know that he is not real and is just for fun.

5. Happy Birthday Jesus party (full on with cupcakes, party hats, and songs to Jesus.)

6. Going to the Hospital on Christmas day and delivering treats to people in the waiting rooms at NICU

    and ICU

Movies we are watching:

Buck Denver's "Why do we call it Christmas?"

Polar Express (with lots of talking and discussion)

Little Drummer Boy

Songs we are learning:

Go Tell it on the Mountain

Silent Night

Little Drummer Boy

Power

Why do I try to do things on my own power when there is ONE greater than me that I can draw from?  HE will fully equip me, yet sometimes I try to fully equip myself.  This leaves an open door for satan to ridicule me about how insignificant, irresponsible and not capable I am.  How I have nothing.to.offer.to.anyone.

I am not capable.
I am too weak.
I am too exhausted.
I am too overwhelmed.
I am not smart enough, spiritual enough, pretty enough, "good" enough

There is a common denominator in each of these.  Me.  I am.  When I focus on myself in any way, good or bad, I am being self-absorbed, self-focused.  Selfish.  Yuck. 
That is right where satan wants me.  Because he can argue with me in this place. 

But when I turn my finger away from me and focus on Jesus, satan has no ground.

HE is more than capable
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" -Eph 3:20

"Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” -Matthew 19:26

HE is strong
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” -1 Cor 12:9

HE gives strength
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." -Isaiah 40:29
(Isaiah 40: 28-31)

HE directs my and my family's path
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

This is where satan has no place.  I am not worthy by any means of my own, but by Jesus' righteousness and His blood! 
Thank You, Jesus that YOU are the truth, and the TRUTH is what sets me free!  Thank You for strengthening me for battle.  Thank You for showing me where I am weak so that I can ask YOU for help!  Father, I need YOU and Your strength and power!  Fill me with Your living water and strengthen me for battle.  Thank You for Your love!

"But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one." -2 Thess 3:3

Raw Emotions

It has been over two weeks since we have been back from Kenya.  I was overwhelmed with love from Chris and Curtis and Kiley when I returned!  I cannot even put into words what I felt when I saw them and they all gave me hugs and kisses.... overwhelming love and joy doesn't even describe it, knowing how truly blessed I am! 
Since I have been back, my emotions at times seem pretty raw.  The faces of many of the children, their stories, the pain, the redemption, the needs, I pray I will never forget!!  I want to talk about my trip, but I feel like I am still processing so much I cannot even put it into words.  I want to pack everyone up and move to Africa! 

Right now my emotions range from joy, gratefulness, excitement, to saddness, frustration, impatience and anger.  God is working on me so much right now, having to fully rely on HIM, knowing that there is a purpose for everything and HE is breaking my heart over and over- which, though painful, I know is a good thing. 

When I see people being mistreated or pushed to the side (or worse, when I see myself doing this), when I look in the mirror and see that I have been a stumbling block for someone else or have hurt someone, when I find myself caring too much about what others think or how I look, when I see parents teaching their children things that are far from God's truth, when I look into my life and the lives of this nation and see the frivilous spending and materialism while so many go without the basic necessities, when I see a hurting child, when I stumble with something I thought I was "over", and so much more.

Right now is the beginning of football season, and my emotions are everywhere with this.  It is fun to cheer for a team, and I like being with my hunny watching together!  But when I see a stadium full of people jumping up and down and screaming for a team ... and then watch people just going through the motions as they praise the ONLY ONE worthy of PRAISE, my heart begines to rip!!!  Not that there is anything wrong with getting excited about a team, but can't we, as Christians be more excited about God?  We should be jumping up and down, raising our hands, on our faces, PRAISING the great I AM!  God always reminds me that HE sees into the heart, but what is in the heart should be SPILLING out!!!!  I am so thankful for God picking me up and saving me from myself I want to jump up and down and praise HIM for His faithfulness!  HE is worthy of undignified praise (2 Sam 6:21-22)!  Father forgive me for the times I have let fear of judgement keep me from praising you even when I might "look" silly.  Praying that I will let go of all fear of judgement from others and worship with uncontained joy- let what is IN MY HEART spill over in my outward praise!!!!!

Sometimes my emotions are ugly, raw, and overwhelming.  And I lift these up, give them to God, to DO something with them- change me, use them for His glory, or whatever He desires.  I know that HIS way is perfect (Psalm 18:30) and I am thankful that HE is not done with me yet (Phil 1:6).  He is molding me, making this "mess" into a beautiful masterpiece (Eph 2:10)!  THANK YOU JESUS!